The Many Woes of Harry Potter
by Pink Bismuth
Summary: He didn't jump off towers, or overdose on medication. He did not spend all hours in self afflicted isolation. This is just a little poem I wrote about the common cliches of abused and angst filled Harry stories.


**Disclaimer:****I do not own Harry Potter This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling****, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**** So in short don't sue me it'd cost you more in legal fees than you'd actually get considering I own nothing.  
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**Authors Notes:** _Alright this is just something silly I thought up while awaiting my doom at the dentists office the other day. I have a crazy fear of dentists and needed something to distract me from trying to flee in terror (as I did at my previous appointment, no joke I really am that crazy.) Anyways so yeah I found my little poem amusing and thought I'd work on it a bit more and post it (even if I suck at rhyming- damn Doctor Sues and his made up words have ruined me for life!). No offense to anyone who writes or reads abused, tragic, hurt and comfort Harry stories, they actually used to be my favorite genre and are what got me into Fan fiction in the first place, but they're just so fun to tease. This starts out a little stupid but I think it get's better.  
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><p><strong>"The Many Woes of Harry Potter"<strong>

_by Pink Bismuth_

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><p>Harry Potter's life is an obsession<p>

People can't let these books go

Thus we have this succession

Of fan fictions' fulled with woe.

We all know how his story goes

His fate was quite the curse

The question that has thus arose,

Is why do Authors make it worse?

Hurt and sorrow largely abides

Those Authors are meticulous

With angst filled tales of suicides

And it's getting quite ridiculous!

Harry's life was troubled

And dangerous as well

But why must that be doubled?

Why do we put him through hell?

There are many stories out there

That stray from Harry's canon life

Many Authors who do declare

Harry needs a bit more strife

It's not enough his parents died

Or that he was neglected

There _needs_ to be more homicide

Harsher abuse should be expected

He must be left all on his own

His mind left to unravel

Otherwise how could we condone

His inevitable time travel

Canon wasn't bad enough

We have people to impress

Harry needs to be more tough

If we're to ensure success

Traveling to an AU world

Or to the long since past

Canon Harry would get hurled

He just wouldn't last

Oh this makes perfect sense to me

So we have to toughen him up

The glass can't be half empty

We wont even give him a cup

He'll be tortured by the Dark Lord

And he'll probably go insane

But the results will be it's own reward

He'll just have to endure the pain

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger

Isn't that how the saying goes?

So clearly he'll live longer

If we fill his life with woes

In many stories of this kind

You'll see the abusive Dursley plot

Better villains one couldn't find

So you'll see them quite a lot

The Dursley's were horrible

But I find it rather scary

Just how very deplorable

Their behavior is to Harry

The Dursleys may be awful

But some how I really doubt

They did anything so unlawful

As kicking his teeth out.

Petunia may be jealous

She may have swung a frying pan

But lets not be overzealous

She wont hit Harry with a van

They did not get on

She may not let him eat

But I don't think in canon

She'd watch Harry get beat

If Vernon was less restrained

I know Petunia was no saint

But the carpet getting stained

Wouldn't be her only complaint

Vernon hated magic

Of that there is no question

But lets not be so dramatic

About his misplaced aggression

I can't see him beating Harry

Into a vegetative state

He doesn't chug down sherry

To magnify his hate

He may have liked to yell and shout

But I can't see him breaking bones

And he definitely wont pimp Harry out

To pay his gambling loans

Of Vernon I'd be wary

He's as twisted as his drill

But the idea that he'd _touch_ Harry

Would probably make him ill

Dudley may be dreadful

For his cousin he hardly cares

But he's not quite so awful

As to push Harry down the stairs

When Dudley taunted Harry

About not being brave in bed

I find it very scary

Just how often _that's_ misread

Incest did not occur

No matter how it looks

That sounds a bit mature

Weren't these children's books?

One would think that such abuse

Would be rather hard to hide

If Mrs. Figg saw a single bruise

She'd probably tan their hide

She may be an old lady

But she'd do more than lecture

She can be rather scary

Just ask Mundungus Fletcher

And I just don't believe

Dumbledore, the ever omniscient

Would be quite so naive

As to see the abuse as beneficent

And what of Madam Pomfrey?

Harry sees her every year

One would think that she would see

If the abuse was so severe

He could try to lie

But I think that she'd ignore

The idea that a black eye

Came from a violent door

I think I'd throw a fit

If she wasn't better qualified

And had a bit more wit

Than to be completely mollified

She wouldn't take these excuses

She wouldn't believe such fibs

It'd be hard to hide the bruises

Or explain the broken ribs

And if there was abuse

It'd be pretty cruel

To try and change some views

By telling the whole school

Yet it happens in many stories

Harry's abuse is made well known

Because no one ever worries

Whether it's something he'd condone

Because that's just so Dumbledore

Yes he_ likes_ secrets exposed

Yeah we've all thought that before

_He_ just can't keep his mouth closed

Dumbledore was manipulative

Keeping secrets all the time

But I think it's a tad excessive

To accuse him of so much crime

Authors accuse him of blackmail

Of theft, forgery and neglect

One would think he'd be in jail

Or at least get less respect

Harry wasn't anyone's pawn

This was not a game of chess

All this betrayal can be foregone

Please give this bit a rest

Snape may have been a jerk

With a grudge that wouldn't die

But I don't think he'd go berserk

And make poor Harry cry

Occlumency lessons were a failure

Between them there's no affection

But I doubt Harry was in danger

Of Snape widening the connection

The classes were sub par

Harry liked his mind free of Snape

But even _he_ wouldn't go so far

As to call legilimency mind rape

Lockhart was a git

As pompous as they come

Without an ounce of wit

Boy he sure was dumb

But I really do not think

Despite any Author's rants

That behind that jaunty wink

Were plots to get in Harry's pants

He never really struck me

As the type to sink so low

I think many would agree

That he was just real slow

I wonder how very shocked

Harry would be to find

That he is being stalked

By deviants of this kind

It just seems very strange

After all the fics I've read

That there's so broad a range

Of people forcing Harry into bed

Even Dark Lord Voldemort

Isn't safe from this offense

But the thought just makes me snort

Despite his anti-moral sense

He has enough followers

So somehow I really doubt

He'd ignore his Death Eaters

And seek poor Harry out

Tom may have been obsessed

That I wont deny

But I really must protest

Even though he's the bad guy

He wanted Harry Potter dead

Was enraged when he'd escape

But I think you're touched in the head

If you think this would lead to rape

Harry may have been depressed

About his troubled life

But he was not quite so distressed

As to end it with a knife

He didn't jump off towers

Or overdose on medication

He did not spend _all_ hours

In self afflicted isolation

If Harry got the flu

Let's not cause a commotion

Influenza's nothing new

There's got to be a potion

Why is it every detail

Of Harry's life is so troubled

We put his problems on a scale

And every time they're doubled.

Everything's so traumatic

There's trouble always brewing

Let's not be so dramatic

A paper cut won't be his undoing

Does no one find it ironic

That in angst stories he's always dying

When he became iconic

Due to his penchant for surviving

Ron and Hermione were not paid

To guide Harry toward the light

Dumbledore did not persuade

Eleven year olds to make him fight

I think BitchHermionie!

Is probably the worst

Yeah cause we all know mutiny

Is something _she's_ rehearsed

It's not that she cares for him

Been loyal from the start

She just follows Harry on a whim

She's just a silly tart!

Or Dumbledore told her too

But I really wouldn't bet it

There are some things even she wont do

Just to get some extra credit

Ron was not the best

Sometimes he was a moron

But I'd have never guessed

That he was so far gone

As jealous as he was

I don't think it was his aim

To befriend Harry because

He was trying to steal his fame

Ron wont suddenly decide

Harry's an attention seeking liar

And cast their friendship to the side

Because Harry's a better flyer

Ginny knows nothing of love potions

She's failing Snape's class fast

And her mother has no notions

Of moving up their social caste

They aren't plotting fake pregnancies

Or drugging Harry blind

They wont be committing felonies

To keep Harry confined

Harry had a lot of money

The Weasley's had none to spare

But Harry would find it funny

If you said that was why they care.

If they were ever after his gold

Treacherous plots would not ensue

Because if the truth was to be told

They wouldn't really need too

The Weasley's wouldn't rob him blind

The idea would make him laugh

Harry was always of the mind

That he should give them half

The student's could be vicious

Spreading rumors left and right

But they're not so malicious

As to start a massive fight

They won't sneak up on him

And beat him black and blue

And the chances are very slim

That a lynching would ensue

Hogwarts is a school

Certain standards are upheld

I'd imagine as a rule

Such things get you expelled

They might whisper, point and glare

Tease and taunt him too

But I think it's a bit unfair

What Authors say they'll do

Gryffindor won't disown him

They wont destroy his stuff

Things really aren't that grim

I can't stress this point enough

I can't see the Professors

Simply standing by

Seeing these aggressors

Chanting "Potter needs to die!"

The students don't just sit around

And think of things to say

Hoping to put their Savior down

And bring him such dismay

Harry's no stranger to insults

Topping Snape's would be an endeavour

I could just imagine the results

Considering they thought "Potter Stinks" was clever.

Do you really think

After putting up with Dudley

That Harry would even blink

At the student's being less than cuddly

I doubt that this behavior

Could turn Harry from the light

That he'd not be their savior

Due to such a petty slight

As if poor public opinion

After living at Privet Drive

Could make Harry a minion

Of the most evil man alive

The ministry was flawed

I'm really not a fan

But I'd think it rather odd

If they sentenced him to Azkaban

It wouldn't be such a long shot

In the facts I wouldn't delve

If the AzkabanHarry! Plot

Didn't always happen when he was twelve

Fudge we can chide

As a Minister he did fail

But it'd be career suicide

To throw a kid in jail

He may have been a dumb-ass

He may have been in great denial

But I don't think that he could pass

On giving a twelve year old a trial

I read these stories blunders

They're everywhere one looks

Am I the only one who wonders

If we all read the same books?

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><p>Alrighty, I don't particularly like it (again I've no talent at rhyming and unlike Doctor Sues I didn't take the lazy way out and make up fake words.) Then again maybe it'd be funnier if I did use fake words. But well I admit slight amusement from this despite my lack of poet prowess . Ah well I hope at least one person derives amusement from this (besides myself). Oh I know nothing of the indentation and punctuation of poetry (I hate how damn finicky and undefined poetry makes grammar) so if you notice anything off about it tell me so I can fix it!<p> 


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